Journal Entry – 15/03/2018

I haven’t been feeling well for the past month and a half. I can’t say that I’m feeling any better, but I decided to talk about it a little. You ever wake up in the morning and you can’t find a reason to open your eyes? I’ve been feeling that all this time and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. I feel stuck and pressured to rush into everything while everyone around me is getting their life together, and it’s so frustrating when you’ve decided to step forward and take charge of your life, and then something happens which hinders your progress.

Other than my own self esteem and crippling depression getting the best of me for the past month or so, I’ve been having ear problems for about a week. I was going to start job hunting, but I can’t do anything right now because it’s likely that I have a ruptured eardrum. It’s been so painful for the first 3 days, especially during the night because I have to sleep on the affected ear so it can drain out the liquid. Yes, my ear is leaking liquid for almost a week and it doesn’t look like it’s getting better. At first I thought it was an ear infection, so I decided to wait it out for 5 days and see if it improves, but after doing more research it’s likely that my eardrum is ruptured. Great. I’m probably gonna go get it checked this weekend. I might have to do surgery as well, but we’ll see what happens.

Another thing I wanted to talk about is betrayal. A week before the end of February, I made a post on Facebook telling everyone to pm me their number or email if they want to keep in touch because I’m gonna deactivate my account at the end of the month. If they don’t want anything to do with me, disregard the message. I gave them a week which included the weekends, but only 5 people messaged me. 5 people whom I’ve hardly talked to.

It honestly feels like I’ve been walking through a cloud. The people I’ve trusted and believed to be my friends gave me silence, while those who actually cared reached out to me and said they’re there for me. It makes me wonder what’s real and what’s fake every time I see someone. I just can’t trust anyone as easily as I did all those years ago, or take anything they say with the benefit of a doubt.

So yeah, I no longer use Facebook and I kinda don’t really like using social media apps, but it’s the only way I stay up to date with everything. Been wanting to keep to myself and not bother with talking to anyone. I’m really fed up with trying to find something in common with others and force a conversation.

Anyway, I haven’t done anything new since the last time I’ve posted and even if I did, I didn’t take any pictures or have much to say. It’s been hectic lately and I’m just trying to get by while dealing with my depression and ruptured eardrum. Still watching things on YouTube and Netflix, reading comics and watching anime.

I’ll try to post more often and share some pics when I can, but I’m not making any promises because it’s really time consuming having to type all this out, add pictures and edit this stuff. I kinda do regret paying money to setup this blog, it’s not even a monthly payment.

When your friends and family don’t even care about you, it makes you wonder why strangers on the internet would give up their own time to read your blog.

Back to the diary thing, I haven’t done much today, just spent the day on my computer and watching stuff. Went to the bakery to get a pie for lunch and continued on watching things. Skipped dinner because I wasn’t feeling hungry and I’m likely to the spend the rest of the night on my computer doing the usual.

I’ll leave it at that for today. I’ve been feeling exhausted constantly throughout the day and I haven’t been sleeping well, especially with this ruptured eardrum. It feels like everything is going downhill with my life and I really am waiting for it to end already.

Well, I’ll talk to you when I feel better, whatever that’s like.

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