A new approach – Journal entry 30/12/2017

Woken by the soft light in the morning around the hour of 5:30 am. I lay there in place with my eyes closed and listening to the sound of the fan I left on from last night, turned to the lowest setting and placed at the foot of my bed, wedged between onesies and a palms length away from the wall where the window is left ajar, as wide open as the rusty chain lock allows. With the fan gently blowing cool air against me, I hesitantly opened my eyes, expected the glaring light to blind me, but I was graced with a baby blue light that embraced my room. I stayed there, lying in bed with nothing but a blanket to cover and shield myself from the world. I could still smell the scent of coconut oil that I used to moisturize my skin from the night before, doing so because I heard it’s much better than applying chemicals to your skin and letting it marinate and seep into your skin throughout the night.

As everyone does, I’ve perused my phone and gone through all my apps as if looking for a reason to excuse myself from life. These mornings, I’ve lost the will to step forward and be bothered with anything that everyone else seems to have taken hold of. What happened to the days that made me want to open my eyes and be excited to get ready for, I don’t know, something? I thought by the age of 22 I’d get my life together and have already graduated from college and be seeking a job, maybe even be out working the job of my dreams, but what was that again? Was it to be a psychologist or a philosopher like the majors I chose early that year in 2014? Or was it to be an artist, playing with paint or crafting and tinkering away in my little studio abroad in another country? Perhaps it was to be a singer song writer, mastering all the instruments and going on tour? Maybe it was to become a scientist, like I have said during 2005 when our teacher asked us about our career choices. Now, I know for sure that all of those were not something that I’m passionate about. Did I really want to pursue such dreams, or was I just saying whatever I liked to do at the time? I still have no idea what I truly want to do at this moment, and I fear I may not have enough time to decide as the year is coming to an end.

I guess I should explain why I haven’t been writing for the past two days. I didn’t feel like what I was writing expressed enough of myself and what I really went through in the past week. Sure I’ve shared my thoughts and talk about the activities I did that day, but it was lacking something. So I decided to take a small break and step away for a while to evaluate myself. I think putting a time stamp was a mistake to begin with because it seemed like a task for me fulfill. Having to fill in those time slots with something I did actually drove me away from wanting to write anything, so instead I’m going to write without the time posted above the paragraph because it’s redundant to share something that happened an hour before. I will share the time when I find that it is relevant or to paint an image.

It’s 10 am right now and I’ve just checked the weather for today; mostly sunny and 22°C or 72°F. Don’t have any plans for today, so I’m free to do whatever until someone talks to me. Lately, or this entire year as a matter of fact, I have not spoken to much of anyone. Well, more like after July did I slowly slipped away into silence and kept to myself. I don’t feel like interacting with anyone and as much as that may be detrimental to my well being as a social animal, I find peace at most times. There’s no drama and nobody to bicker with, until a family member starts instigating and doing the little things that really tick you off.

I’ve thought about whether I want to live by myself or share a place with friends or – if the universe oh so allows so – a partner, but seeing as how annoyed I am by the misgivings of my family, I was quick to conclude that thought with solitary confinement as myself final choice of campaign. I’ve said it many times this year that I am better off alone anyways because it’s better to mess things up and have yourself to blame for it, than it is to let the blame fall on someone else and they don’t go about fixing it. Many a times have I had to wipe the floor of piss belonging to another member of the family whose “tool” seems to miraculously miss such a large vessel in front of him. Clearly we can see who has diluted the gene pool.

Anyhow, I will now start indulging in comics and YouTube videos for the day and perhaps watch a movie or start on another TV series or Anime.

It’s 7:33 pm right now and I’ve pretty much wasted most of my day watching YouTube videos and reading comics. Once again, nothing much happened and this is likely so while I’m still in summer break. I won’t be studying next year either since I absolutely hate being in college. I don’t enjoy that kind of environment where everyone is so competitive and always seem to be rushing to complete an assignment or trying to cram for a test. It’s not like I even hang out with my friends either since they all chose their own career path, which means our timetable don’t align. That’s one of the things I hate about going to university; I don’t have any friends from high school who are interested in the same course as me and even if I do end up becoming friends with people in my course, it’s likely that I would never see them again the following semester or year. When they say between the ages of 18 – 26 you meet a lot of temporary people, they weren’t joking about it, or maybe it’s even earlier than 18 since most of the people I know from high school are people I don’t even talk to today.

Certainly, as time goes by I care less for a lot of things and people are definitely one of them. When you’ve been betrayed by so many people and no matter how many times you’ve given them another chance, they just continue to stab you in the back. Most times they fail your expectations, but it is so wrong to have expectations? If I’m going about my day in peace, doing absolutely nothing that would inconvenience or be inconsiderate towards you, the only thing I expect is that you do the same. It’s not that hard, but is it too much to ask for?

I’ve tried joining groups and clubs during university, but I didn’t enjoy them as much as I would have expected. The only club I ever went to do activities with was the dessert club. As fun as it may sound, and as many desserts I’ve consumed in one night, I couldn’t really relate to the other members there. It’s really annoying having to go through reintroducing yourself to people over and over again, only to never see them again. I’m so tired of it because I’ve spent pretty much my entire life going through that year after year and eventually you just end up with less and less people you can truly put your faith in.

In my case, when I think I’ve met someone I thought I could be really good friends with, they up moving away, sometimes even overseas. Sometimes they never talk to you and they slowly drift away, or they talk to you every now and then but never really invite you to anywhere. I have a friend whom I invite to go watch movies with and I’ve known him for over 10 years, though I never really talked to him in the earlier years. Regardless of that, although I do invite him out, he rarely invites me to much of anything. Not that I’m ungrateful, but it makes you wonder why every time there’s some event going on, you never get invited to them, even when the people who got invited are people that you know. Maybe nobody wanted me there, or they just forgot, again and again. Like, did I offend anyone?

That aside, I hope this isn’t too long of a read, and truthfully this is the most I’ve written since I’ve stopped going to school, so I hope what I’m saying makes any sense at all. I tend not to share anything in generally and the times that I do, nobody is listening, so having a blog really helps me in expressing myself in words and having an audience that are out there reading what you have to say. I don’t know if I want to make this a dairy thing anymore because it’s very time consuming just sitting here and typing out my thoughts, then going over it to check for grammar. If there are enough paragraphs, then I’ll post it for that day, but when I’m not feeling too well or it’s just another one of those event lacking days, I’ll take a break from writing since I already spend way too much time in front of the computer.

Like I’ve mentioned in earlier entries, I’m still not sure when is a right time to post these because I live in the southern hemisphere and the country I live in is one of the few that sees the sun rise earlier than the rest of the world. It’s also a day earlier too, depending on where everyone else lives. I’m saying this because I have quite a lot of readers from the United States, and Asia a close second. Even though there are this many people going on my blog, I only have around 4 followers haha. It would be nice to have more, just to reassure myself that I’m relevant and have a reason to exist haha.

Honestly, this is looking more and more like an essay with the amount of words on this haha. If only I had this much to talk about when I was doing my assignments for the past 4 years. Anyway, I’m going to spend the rest of the night reading comics. I may share those links again next time, but I don’t feel like doing that today haha. Around 9:30 pm to 10 pm, I’ll be turning my computer off and then I’ll take a shower before heading to bed. Pretty much the same thing every night because I can’t stay up late for the life of me.

Tomorrow will be the last day of 2017 and I don’t know if I should be looking forward to it or be dreading the following year. A lot has happened this year, enough for me to say that I am done and so over it. I am ready to end this chapter of my life and never turn back to this page ever again, but at the same time, I’m not exactly looking forward to 2018 because I have no idea what to do about my life. I don’t know where to even start, but I guess that’s a story for another time, maybe a review at the end of 2018? I know for sure that there is absolutely no way that I’m going to do a review of this year, because there were too many nights of tears and self hate. That took a dark turn haha

Anyway, I’m going to end it here today, hopefully everything works out tomorrow and we can end the year in peace. There’s also a Full moon on the first day of 2018, a super moon I heard. I guess that’s something to look forward to. See you all on the other side I guess, talk to you tomorrow, or not haha. Good night.



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