Journal Entry 26/12/2017

[9:21]

Boxing day. I think it lasts for 3 days right? However long it is, go you something nice while the deals are still on. Yesterday was a bad day for me, and I still have residual anger from all that. My family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick, but does that make me a prick too? Well, take a look at this picture.

I’m the flower of this cactus. Took this lovely picture about a week ago because it was so beautiful. You would’ve known that something so deadly and terrifying could produce such an amazing sight? It’s almost like you’re looking at the sunset.

Haven’t had breakfast yet because my stepfather was smoking outside and somehow it’s stinking up the house. It’s a very foul smell and it’s so difficult to breathe around it. Such an inconvenience when I’m walking into the living room and there’s this rancid stench in the air. Puts me off completely from doing anything in that room. What’s worst is he walks in the house right after he’s done and closes every door, so it just lingers in the house. Does it bring you joy when others suffer? So inconsiderate. There’s no point in reasoning with him either because he likes the tune of his on voice and he gets offended as if you’re attacking him or something.

Anyways, today’s comic updates are The Mage Will Master Magic Efficiently In His Second Life, Panlong, Golem Hearts and The Mythical Realm.

[15:52]

Had a late lunch because I spent most of my morning eating lychee after I had breakfast haha. Having been doing much today, just watching videos on YouTube. I feel down, or empty. Maybe I’m experiencing a wave of emotions and because I’m so overwhelmed, it sort of gives me a sensory overload. I don’t think that made any sense at all, but that’s the best I can do to put it into words.

I’ve been thinking about what I should talk about on my blog, because it doesn’t feel consistent and also repetitive at the same time. Like, I know I’m doing this daily journal entry, but the content is all over the place and the time stamp is in large intervals. I’ve noticed that I tend to share my thoughts more than my day to day activities and I’m also very opinionated as well. I’ve thought about sharing stories from my past, but it seems like a lot of work and I don’t feel as motivated to write them all because most of these stories carry a lot of weight to them and they are memories that I’ve kind of suppressed. Not that they were traumatizing, but rather they bring back a lot of questions such as “what if” and “I wonder how s/he is doing right now”. I know there are some things I really want to share like my first crush, but I’d have to censor out names and certain details that may invade privacy. I don’t know, still have no idea what I’m going to do with this blog.

That aside, I might share some lyrics. Yes, I use to write songs, though it’s just lyrics with no music accompaniment. I guess that’s called A Capella? It all started back in my sophomore year of high school during one of my English lessons. I think we were to decide how we want to express something from what we read that day and somebody asked we could write a song, so I also decided to give it a try and write a song. I wanted to do that because when I was very young, I used to play with a microphone and I grew up wanting to become a singer or musician. You’d think being in an Asian family my parents would make me learn piano or something, but that was not the case at all. They got to study and become a doctor instead, and boy did that didn’t work out haha.

Anyway, so I decided to write these songs and almost the entire class wanted me to sing and whatever, but because I have the social grace of a potato, I didn’t sing at all. Most of the songs I’ve written were horrible. The lyrics were so cheesy and it was all about love. It did start to get better and the last song that I wrote was my favorite because it just came to me so naturally and I wrote it for my crush last year. It was also the only love song I wrote that didn’t have the word “love” in it. Quite ironic, right? Turns out my feelings were not returned before I could even share the song and even since I’ve stopped writing anymore songs. I gave up on that dream, which I knew would never come true anyway. It’s not like I can even sing since my throat is all messed up because of my stepfather smoking in the house for 8 years straight. Even if I really wanted to sing, I don’t have the chance to do so because I always get criticized for it at home. Sucks right? Never getting what I want because of my family. You’d think family would be the one thing that supports you no matter what happens, but they’ve given up on me before I have to the chance to prove myself. Now I’ve given up on them because continue to fail me. I want things to work out, but what’s the point in trying when nobody else wants to put in the effort to at least try to mend things.

I grew believing in one quote that has to do with family, and it comes from a cartoon that I’m sure everyone knows about. It’s from Lilo and Stitch, and the quote goes “Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten”. My “family did just that; left me behind and forgot about me. When I come home late for dinner from university, I hear them eating, laughing and talking to each other around the dinner table, but the moment I enter the house, the entire mood changes and all the cheerful voices are gone. That was when I knew for sure I didn’t belong there with the 3 of them. Since then, I’ve secluded myself in my room and kept to myself. There is nothing in the world that they can do for me to ever forgive them.

[20:03]

8 pm and the sun still hasn’t set yet, that’s summer for you. I should go out for a walk after dinner since I haven’t gone out for a while. I can’t remember the last time I went out for a walk other than that one time I went shopping for all that tuna haha. This Christmas I got fat. Really need to lose some weight because my shorts are tight and my belly is sticking out when I’m standing haha. I want to get in shape but I don’t want to go to the gym. I prefer working out on my own than in front of so many people, just don’t feel comfortable enough to be sweating like a pig.

I need to do something with my life, like getting a job. There’s not a job that doesn’t require prior experience and a drivers license that I can do. You may say otherwise, but trying to find a job is difficult here. And I still need to write a CV and cover letter. My life is such joke. I wish there was a big library nearby that needs someone to shelve the books, because I’ve been a librarian for 2 years in elementary, and 5 years in high school. I was actually the student head librarian in my final year of high school and I still have the badge to prove it. Shame that there’s not a single library here that needs someone to do shelving. Well, there was a job that fits this description, but it was all the way down south of the country in Otago. Now I wish I went to the University of Otago. My luck keeps running out. Speaking of luck, I’m that one guy who keeps finding 4 leaf clovers, but can’t find the will to open my eyes every morning haha. Yes, I also have the photos to prove it.

Found this in my backyard one morning. I was just standing there day dreaming, like you would, and when I looked down it was right there. I thought it was another clover bunched up together making it look like it was a four leaf clover, but upon further inspection it was genuine, so of course I had to snap a pic.

[21:58]

Going to take a shower and then head to bed. Still wondering when is a good time to post my journal entries because I tend to have a lot thoughts at night, especially when I’m in bed. I’m deciding whether or not to post them the morning after of write what I can now before I take my shower. If I were to continue writing while I’m in bed, I won’t be able to edit my post since I’ll be writing it out on my phone. Also because I made it a rule to turn my computer off before I go to sleep no matter what kind of day it is. Reason why I can’t edit on my phone is because the app doesn’t allow me to use “justify” automatically, I’d have to do it manually in HTML. Yeah, just wondering if it’ll be better to just write whatever I can now before taking a shower of just edit and post this tomorrow. Then again, it’s not like I have any interesting thoughts at night besides creating an overpowered character in this perfect world that I’m creating.

Anyway, you’ll know when I’ve decided or not when you’re reading this. Goodnight for now? haha

[23:37]

Yeah, I think it’s better to edit this before I take a shower. As much as I would like to share my thoughts while I’m trying to fall asleep, I can’t be bothered with waking up and editing yesterday’s post, so I’ll just write everything that I need to say before I take my shower and post it. Since I take a shower at 10 pm or around that time, I’ll dedicate that one hour to writing this journal. Anyway, heading to bed now, goodnight.

 


 

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